My chest hurts.
I haven’t said anything on here for a while now.
I hope everyone’s okay.
I’m certainly not.
All I have are bad thoughts. The past is catching up. The present is more fucked up than I’ve ever realized and I don’t know how things have gotten this bad.
I see no future.
It’s taking all of my strength to prevent myself from collapsing. From wanting to shoot myself in the face.
How could I let things go this far.
All I needed was your reassurance that we were going to be okay. But you couldn’t even give me that.
If I can’t have the power to help the people I love, can I at least have the power to help myself?
Sometimes when I’m having fun, it suddenly hits me how empty I really I am, and I end up wondering how long my laugh will last for the moment before I feel nothing again and imagine shooting myself in the head.
Sometimes I’ll dream about sitting on your passenger seat with yellow, green, and blue blurs beside me. We’re looking at different directions, but moving in one. And it’s weird because it’s my dream but you have total control, just like you have total control of this car you’re driving. In my dream, we aren’t talking, neither to each other nor ourselves, but the fact that we saw different things says enough. We will never see the same things, just like I’ll never get to sit in the driver’s seat and finally have some sort of control. But this is only a dream.
When I wake up, you don’t exist. And when I think about it, you didn’t really have a face in my dreams. You don’t exist, and yet I am left feeling like I miss you.
it’s weird that when you’re searching for something to pass the time, time itself seems to run slow. but when you’re not searching, shit flies out of hidden places and suddenly there just isn’t enough time to handle anything.
i used to sit in my room in silence, doing absolutely nothing but thinking. these moments become the longest and slowest for me as i torture myself with things that don’t need to be brought up. i can’t help myself. i don’t like the pain but it comes natural to me to just feel it.
to be honest, i feel like i’ve been suffering for years that i don’t know another way of living. i’m almost fatalistic in my thoughts, destroying anything that could pick me up and giving home to things meant to kill me. it wasn’t until recently that i realized i neither had to think these things nor this way. but it’s what i’m used to.
something good entered my life recently. i hope i don’t fuck it up.