it’s weird that when you’re searching for something to pass the time, time itself seems to run slow. but when you’re not searching, shit flies out of hidden places and suddenly there just isn’t enough time to handle anything.
i used to sit in my room in silence, doing absolutely nothing but thinking. these moments become the longest and slowest for me as i torture myself with things that don’t need to be brought up. i can’t help myself. i don’t like the pain but it comes natural to me to just feel it.
to be honest, i feel like i’ve been suffering for years that i don’t know another way of living. i’m almost fatalistic in my thoughts, destroying anything that could pick me up and giving home to things meant to kill me. it wasn’t until recently that i realized i neither had to think these things nor this way. but it’s what i’m used to.
something good entered my life recently. i hope i don’t fuck it up.